It has been a year since she died.

I have always adored this little critter. Ever since she came into our lives, things have been different.

Like all other stories of deaths, there are certain things I regret about. The morning she died, I was looking for a vase that would fit her carcass so that we can plant flower and bring her anywhere we go. I know that I should have been home before she died because she was waiting for me.

A week before her death, I was plunged in a deep depression. I could feel in every vein that her time was near. After giving her a bath, I lie flat beside her humming a tune, hoping it would ease the pain she was feeling, and hoping that the good Lord will immediately end her misery. It was the most painful scene I can remember.

She spent 11 years with us. I wish I still have her now. I know that this post does not give justice to how much I miss her but I just have to write down every tear I shed. I love her so much and I know forever I will be crying because I will never have her badk.

To my baby Nicnic, I love you.

Here's another problem.

Head: The trouble with you is that you often fall in love with words. You know how people are! They often tell you what they are not, but then again.. you are such a sucker for intelligent guys.

Me: Yeah. What else is there to fall in love with anyway. I am not the cutest person around.

Head: Come on... you can do better than that.

Me: How? Probably throw myself at the first cute guy that I see at glorietta and ask, " hey... uhmmm do you take prozac?", and if he somehow manage to come up with the slightest glint of idea, then decide that he's qualified to be a boyfriend?

Head: Geez, I shouldn't be talking to you at all!

since life is giving me lemon, I will make lemonade.

Cliche

Touche.. Nino... touche!

You can count all the starts all you want but before the night submit to daylight, you have to pick one for you to keep. Your dream is not yet over. It hasn't begun.

I wish that I could drown in a cup of coffee.

Life, is one murky thought. As I sip on my cup, all frustrations are washed away.

Caffaine is so addicting... and so is life... no matter how dark, no matter how bitter.

Wanted: Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Name: ?
Age: 25-35, preferably
Sign: Who cares?
Description: Someone who would sweep me off my feet. Someone who is as addicted to coffee as I am and who thinks that Jasmine tea mixed with Green tea is a good substitute. He should take a bath daily and he does not reek with sweat every two minutes. He needs to make sure to fulfill me four times when engaged in the sport called "sex" before hitting the sack. Someone who will give me a competition in the kitchen. Someone who watches football, basketball, and all kinds of sport but wouldn't mind crying over "Stepmom". Someone who reads books and discuss it with me. Someone crazy enough to bring scorecards in a public place and start rating guys who pass by. Someone who's brain is bigger than his balls.

Most of all, someone who knows how to love and be loved.

If you happen to be this guy, don't keep me waiting. I'm out here all drenched with fear. I don't want to write another letter and send it to no one.

I dont think feelings.

The other day, I was so tired from all the things that I needed to give attention to that I have forgotten myself. I got so tired that I wasn't even feeling bad about certain things that I know should bother me. I got so tired that I pretended to be happy, to fool everybody that I am the same old Nini or Nicer or Nikolai or Timmy, that they have once worked with. I am tired of working all alone.

I know myself too much. I know that I am as emotionally wrecked as everybody and that I pretend to be in control by rationalizing what I feel. Reason gives me power over things that would hurt me. That way, I know how to protect myself from getting burn.

I let my guard down for 10 minutes and I succumbed to an emotional outpour. I did not even have a reason for crying but it felt good. Every tear drop that cascaded was worth it since I was crying for myself. That 10 minutes stripped from my life extended to forever. I will never get those precious tears back but I know that with them are all the lonely minutes that I have spent working desparately, feeling all alone, to be able to prove that I am worth having their time.

James, the truth is this letter isn't for you. I am now just talking to myself and just feeling. I am lonely. I was able to prove my worth but I am still alone.


Nikolai...

Have I told you that there are certain things I like about you. Like how well you feign that smile while you hide that rotting flesh inside. It amaze me how you walk when your spirit limps in every step. In every word you say, I can only hear the laughter but when I draw myself closer to your heart, it beats of pain and uncessating sadness.

When I asked you about it the other day, you smiled at me and walked away.

How I felt your tears cascade.